I’m well aware that you can see the punchline for this coming from a mile away… Let’s just wait for it, shall we?

I purchased this Fantom Lightning during the last century, at the height of the bagless vacuum craze. One thing the TV ads failed to mention is that every time I opened up the thing to empty the canister half of the contents would rise up into a cloud of dust, then quickly fall to the ground for me to vacuum up all over again.

The on-board HEPA filter was similarly useless; in theory it turned this humble dirt-cleaning device into a makeshift air purifier — in practice replacement filters were impossible to find, and the one that came with got clogged up too fast to make any noticeable difference.

Oh, and about your patented “stair-hugger” design… Guess what? I don’t have any stairs.

We lasted almost a decade together, but I can’t say that I especially enjoyed the experience. Despite your supposedly compact size you were just as ungainly and prone to taking out drywall coming around corners as any other vacuum I’ve ever used. I’d go so far as to say the only positive thing to come out of this ownership experience is that I’ll no longer fall prey to overpriced vacuuming fads — I’m talking to you, James Dyson!

So farewell, Fantom [here it comes]… You really do suck.