Lest you think this humble site has become a travel blog, I’m reporting again today on my Nokia E61i, which continues to impress, and particularly while travelling. Here’s why:

Despite its “average” 2-megapixel imager, the built-in camera on my E61i has many practical applications, like remembering your hotel room number when you stumble home to bed, or to MMS your new friends to tell them where the party’s at!

The camera also came in handy to document my dieting triumphs, like the bircher muesli and raspberry yogurt combo I had for breakfast at my Wellington Hotel, and disasters, like the marshmallow coconut & fruit pudding with a side of licorice that I succumbed to at the Koru Lounge during my layover at LAX. Twice.

The second most-used feature of my E61i was the built-in WiFi radio. Nokia thoughtfully put this little alert right on the home screen. I had it running pretty much all day, and unlike my TyTN it hardly drained the battery at all.

The bad news was that in most places I had to pay for WiFi access to the internet. The Crowne Plaza in Auckland sold these prepaid cards for $5 NZD. Much like a calling card, you scratch off the back to reveal an access code to get on the ‘net in the lobby and in the adjacent shopping mall.

The Intercontinental in Wellington wasn’t quite as cheap. When I inquired about the wireless network in the lobby the young man at the front desk came to my table in the hotel restaurant and offered to hook me up at the rate of $49.95 NZD for 24 hours, to which I immediately spat out my cup of coffee into his face.

But the wondrous Air New Zealand Koru Lounge was another story altogether. Access to their WiFi network is free, but you must obtain a username and password from the front desk. It changes every month to discourage amateur packet sniffers… Works for me!

The only stunt I couldn’t pull with my Nokia was making a VoIP call using fring and its built-in support for Skype. This had nothing to do with the Skype outage of last week and everything to do with fring. Fortunately there are other options available, which I’ll be trying out and reporting on at a future date.

And finally, flying across 16 time zones was made a little less bewildering by WorldMate (the light version is available free of charge for E-Series users) and by a feature I’ve never seen on any other GSM handset — the ability to auto-magically grab the appropriate time from the local network.

Now if only my E61i could help me with my jet lag…

24 hours ago as of this writing I was enjoying an awesome beachside brunch at The Maranui Café. Not exactly sure what Derek was looking at here… Possibly Fiona’s pin?

What separates the Maranui from your typical Queen Street Toronto brunch, you ask? How about this breathaking view from its patio, for starters…

Here’s me modeling the outfit I’ll have worn for a cumulative 30 hours by the time I touch down in Toronto early tomorrow morning. I won’t pretend for a moment that I smell “April fresh”. So far I’ve endured getting lost on the Inter-Terminal Walkway at Auckland Airport and have once again been forced to go through the gulag-style security checkpoint at LAX for no good reason.

All I can say is thanks god for the Koru Lounge — there’s a Maple Leaf Lounge here too but why set myself up for disappointment? I checked in at Koru, had a much-needed shower and am now in the Business Centre with a piping hot cup of coffee and fast internet connection for my MacBook, assuming I can stay awake for another 5 hours until my flight takes off for Toronto…

Well, it’s my last night in Wellington and I’m a day behind in my postings… So let’s get caught up, shall we?

Day 6

The rain was bound to come sooner or later, so I figured it would be a good day to check out Te Papa, Maori for “Our Place”.

One day someone will open a museum dedicated to museums and this place — along with the Powerhouse in Sydney, Australia — will be in it. It’s as much an art gallery, amusement park and coffee bar as anything else. I could have easily spent all day combing through the many exhibits and installations, but I had me a dinner party to gets to!

Derek and Fiona were kind enough to invite me out to their palatial Island Bay estate for a hearty home-cooked meal — in fact, they even drove me out from my hotel!

We were joined by another Canadian improv expat, Julian Faid from the Rapid Fire Theatre in Edmonton. Here he gives us a sneak preview of his upcoming Fringe Show Dinner for One. You can tell it’s a comedy because of the shrugging…

Day 7

Today (Sunday) was my only chance for souvenirs. It seemed fitting for this day of rampant consumerism that just outside my hotel I should happen upon this kawaii Nissan Figaro, straight from Japan. Too bad about the colour.

The best shopping in town is to definitely be had on Cuba Street. I even splurged on a local band’s CD that was playing in Real Groovy.

With my shopping done I went straight to McDonald’s — no wait! I mean, the famous Wellington Cable Car.

Despite Derek’s warnings of “lame” I thought it was all right. It’s actually not just a tourist trap, but a functioning means of mass transportation. One of the stops is the local University, about halfway up.

Up top the car stops at The Wellington Botanic Garden, where you can take in magnificent views of the city…

… Or escape the city altogether and become one with nature.

Just don’t venture too far off the beaten path, like I did.

(Note: I had a good bit about having to eat my own poop but the camera cut me off at 30 seconds… I hate when that happens!)

There’s actually not much to report on my 5th day in New Zealand…

I spent the morning exploring the CBD (Central Business District) including this interesting piece of government architecture unaffectionately referred to as the Beehive.

Then it was back to Fidel’s to drag Derek Flores away from the important meeting pictured above. With two other performers we spent most of the afternoon drinking coffee and talking shit. It was awesome!

Technically Wellington Day 0, but New Zealand Day 4 — you know what I mean…

Today could have been the day of not one, not two, but three hot breakfasts if not for my steadfast willpower. I had the usual made-to-order omelette, fruit, yogurt and pastry in my hotel before checking out and heading to the airport. As I entered the Koru Club in the Domestic Terminal at Auckland Airport not even an hour later I was surprised to find another hot breakfast buffet tempting me. I settled for a bottomless cup of long blacks instead.

After touching down in Wellington I was greeted at the gate by local power couple Derek Flores and Fiona Jane Malthus, who immediately asked me: “Wanna to go for breakfast?”

First I had to check in at The Intercontinental Hotel, apparently where visiting rock stars stay. I wonder if they use points too?

En route to breakfast (for Derek; lunch for me) we stopped for a video opp with Wellington’s biggest scandal. Shocking!

Wellington has gone Cuba Crazy! And the best breakfast on Cuba Street is at Fidel’s. Note that even though I made poor Derek pose on the ground by the front door no skulls were smashed as a result of this photo…

Another Wellington landmark is Bats Theatre, a kindred spirit to the Bad Dog back home?

After a quick walking tour covering three of the city’s four quarters my verdict was in. To quote The Fonz: Ayyy!

My final full day in Auckland didn’t turn out quite like I’d hoped it would…

The first of only two big items on my itinerary was to see a Kiwi (bird) at the Auckland Zoo. I guess what happened is that the third straight day of sunny weather brought out all the stupid people and their children, and they arrived en masse at the zoo just moments before me.

World’s largest salt lick? This short video of a tiger was ruined by an oblivious woman who saw it fit to park her fat ass directly in front of my lens. Thanks for that…

Despite signs everywhere asking people not to feed the animals someone thought it would be good for a larf to pour some milk into a crevice in the exotic bird aviary. Hope these poor guys can handle type 2 diabetes!

Because Kiwis are nocturnal the zoo has set up a special indoor habitat to view them. If you think it looks serene, consider that on my side of the netting was a never-ending parade of ugly, stupid urchins repeatedly stating the obvious: “It’s dark, mommy, it’s dark…”

Fortunately the zoo has also fitted a small camera to where the Kiwis nest. Of course if they were really clever they’d stream this on their website thus saving me the twenty-dollar admission and another twenty for the cab ride out there.

But there was another live Kiwi viewing at the Native Fauna Encounter, a daily scheduled event. Here’s the best footage of the bird I could get. It begins and ends rather abruptly because my camera only records video in 30-second increments.

Okay, so here’s video proof that it’s not just me. The trainer had explicitly stated that the animals he was about to reveal were very skittish, and asked for quiet on their behalf. Watch him lose his cool as a trio of little shitbags in the back refuse to sit down and shut the fuck up as asked.

Not 10 seconds after this recording ended the poor frazzled bird ran in terror to the safety of another trainer behind the scenes. And just like that the encounter was over. Awesome.

This was the second big item on my itinerary for the day, a tour of Auckland’s Harbour by boat. Unfortunately the cab stand outside the zoo had somehow disappeared by the time I was ready to leave, so I had to walk out to the highway and catch a bus. And despite way too many stops the driver flew back into the downtown core, but I still managed to miss the last boat of the day by about 3 minutes.

So I drowned my sorrows in a local indulgence and headed back to my hotel in defeat…

Tomorrow it’s on to Wellington, where I may not be posting as regularly due to friends I’ll be visiting with there. I’ll do my best…

Back home in the T-dot they’re tearing up the concrete floors of the parking lot beneath me. The noise is so bad that I’ve moved my car to my mom’s place and refused my monthly car payment in protest. So imagine how thrilled I was to wake up to the sounds of hotel renovation a couple of floors above me. Actually that’s not true — I wasn’t woken up the noise because I never really feel asleep…

I headed downstairs for my first complimentary breakfast only to find the hotel restaurant full of golf shirts and bad khakis — apparently there’s some kind of conference going on at the convention centre across the street.

Despite the crowds I received prompt coffee refills until I unknowingly did something to piss my waitress off, after which she made a point of carrying her urn of black gold to every table but mine. I left her a generous tip anyway; maybe tomorrow we can be friends again.

Then it was back to the gym, and may I just say that it would be nice for someone else to have to stare at my tight ass for a change…

Here’s yours truly towering over Auckland in the Sky Tower’s Sky Deck. The photo was taken by a lovely couple from Hamilton (New Zealand, not Ontario).

From this vantage point I confirmed that there was more to the city’s waterfront than I seen the day before. That’s Harbour Bridge in the Background. You can bungee jump off of it, but that’s not surprising — you can bungee off of pretty much anything in this town.

I’m not kidding — you can even jump off of the Sky Tower! Just aim for that tiny red target at street level below.

Here’s another view of the Crowne Plaza. Click on the photo to see the Auckland Museum in the background, courtesy of Flickr. I’m holding out for Te Papa in Wellington.

Before I knew it the lunch hour arrived, so I took the opportunity to sample my first meat pie, from Pie Mania. This one was steak and cheese, and delicious!

Here’s something I haven’t seen since my first trip to Tokyo — a Toyota WiLL. I saw an ad on TV last night where a car salesman said something about being able to import vehicles directly from Japan. If this is true, Kiwi drivers are a lucky bunch indeed…

En route back to the waterfront I stopped by the Victoria Park Market. It’s pretty much a tourist trap.

A handy feature for visitors to Auckland is maps like this one. They’re on almost every corner in the downtown core.

The south end of the waterfront features high end hotels, snazzy restaurants and these harbour-facing condos, which I’m sure are very affordable…

A segregated Auckland?! Not quite — it’s the name of the national rugby team. Don’t think I’ll be bringing any official merchandise home, though.

Despite their festive headgear these asshats sold me possibly the worst salad of my entire adult life. That’s what you get when you try to save a buck on dinner…

Kia Ora from Auckland! As you can see, I’m all set-up for Skype and such in my hotel room, though internet access in the lobby is cheaper — $5 NZD per hour vs. 68¢ per minute upstairs! Since time is money, let’s get to it…

My flight across the Pacific was a breeze, and took a mere 12 hours as opposed to the 16 I thought it would. Sharing the upstairs cabin with me was none other than Phil Keoghan from The Amazing Race. I didn’t realize this until we de-planed and was going to introduce myself, but he seemed occupied with shooting home movies of his two daughters walking through the arrivals hall so I thought it best not to disturb him. I think I may have accidentally gotten into one of the shots, though…

I just wish someone like him was sitting beside me for the flight — instead I got stuck with this dude in his 60s who reeked of old man smell. At what point exactly does an adult male figure it’s okay to revert to bathing on a weekly basis? Maybe the guy had flown all the way from Heathrow (where NZ 001 originates from), but the lounge at LAX did have showers. Whatever the case I was desparately searching my complimentary toiletry bag for nose plugs!

My hotel, which apparently offers public parking…

We landed in Auckland before sunrise, and since I had breakfast on the plane I proceeded directly to the hotel gym, where I shared a revitalizing workout with three young ladies who I think were from either Spain or Portugal. And modest as I am I can still say with confidence that I was the best looking guy in the room!

After that it was time to get some bearings on the neighbourhood. It was raining and a bit windy, but I’m only pouting because I dropped my damned camera on the sidewalk. It’s surprisingly banged up for a single fall (with an additional terrifying bounce or two), but still works at least…

I definitely picked the right hotel — attached to it is a mall with a nice selection of cheap international eats, and out on the streets there’s a ton of shops housed in funky old buildings, like the Strand Arcade seen above.

Look, they have a Queen Street here, too!

It’s definitely low season for tourists; walking around the downtown core I get the sense that this place could hold a lot more people, even with the sidewalk construction. The locals seem to be an equal mix of Asians, Maori and Whites. Lots of mixed couples, as well — nothing wrong with that…

Is this the famous Auckland waterfront or just the ferry terminal? I was a bit underwhelmed, and may have to come back to further investigate.

Ferries serve nearby islands like the historic seaside suburb (tourist trap?) of Devonport, or can take you on a tour of the harbour. I’ll pick a day with better weather for that.

I’ll also wait for clearer skies before I visit the Sky Tower, as it’s right across the street from my hotel…

After my reconnaissance of the area I succumbed to jet lag for the rest of the afternoon, waking up just in time for dinner and this web posting opportunity. Now it’s 1am and (hopefully) time for bed. More tomorrow…

Greetings from the Koru Lounge, a beige oasis in the misery that is Terminal 2 at LAX. More on that in a bit…

If I look a little weary it’s because I am — I’ve been here 5 hours already, which is more than the sleep I got last night, partly due to packing logistics and partly because I was choosing my wardrobe for my flights.

Whaaa…?

You see, for the first time in as long as I can remember I’m taking my gym clothes with my on vacation, but I do not, repeat, do not want to look like one of those dweebs you see on every flight in their golf shirt, khakis and ugly workout sneaks.

I actually bought a pair of Tsubo runners specifically for this trip. They look like this:

I got them from Get Outside, the same place where I’ve bought all my shoes for the last 5 years. Even with my due diligence I always end up coming back there, mostly because of the low pressure sales and high quality customer service. The cashier knocked 10% off the price of these babies just because I chatted her up a bit. Sweet!

Another concern for a savvy world-traveller is a shirt that looks stylish but won’t wrinkle too much or draw attention to the in-flight meals I inevitably spill on it. I’ve resolved to ban all fat-guy shirts from my wardrobe — that is, anything with a busy pattern or Hawaiian print. Instead I pulled a dress shirt with some busy (but tasteful) embroidery on it. Trust me, gents… This advice is golden should you find yourself with an attractive seat-mate of the opposite sex. Of course that didn’t happen to me — instead I got to spend 5 hours in Business Class beside some dweeb wearing his workout runners. I did get better service than he did from the cute stewardesses, though… So there!

I may have squandered the first of my only two Business Class upgrades on this relatively short transcontinental flight, but seeing the solemn march of passengers heading to the back of the aircraft for five hours cramped together with no hot food made me feel better about my decision. Still, both fore and aft sections of the aircraft had clearly seen better days, and the one TV set dangling from the ceiling up front was decidedly low-tech.

One tasty hot lunch of maple-glazed chicken and two in-flight movies later — which, if you’re interested, were Shrek The Third (as unfunny as the first two) and The Incredibles (still great!) — I was making my way through possibly the miserable place in the western world, Terminal Two at LAX. Making matters worse was the fact that I left the passenger area and went to baggage claim for no reason; my one oversized suitcase has been checked all the way through to Auckland, contrary to what I had been previously told. Thus, I had to turn right back around and join the same huge line at the security checkpoint that I had marveled at only a few minutes before. An officer at the metal detector added insult to injury by making me strip off my funky embroidered shirt and as my new shoes… Ladies and gentlemen, clearly the terrorists have won!

So now I’m safely ensconced in the relative quiet of the Koru Lounge, on the Terminal’s 2nd floor. It’s getting pretty busy here but there’s lots of room, free WiFi (with my very own custom login and password!) and enough room to stretch my legs and prepare for the 16 airborne hours that lie ahead.

And it looks like I’ll be getting that kick-ass seat just like I hoped! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to cock-block some dweebs in their workout shoes…

Despite my WiFi-enabled Nokia I may well be off the grid until I’m set up in my Auckland hotel sometime Sunday. In the meantime I’m hoping that the following will keep you insatiable blog readers at bay…

If you’ve got Google Earth (and really, why shouldn’t you?) you can use the download above to follow yours truly from YYZ to LAX to AKL to my Auckland hotel, then back to AKL on to WLG and to my digs in Wellington, and finally back to WLG, AKL, LAX and YYZ. Six hour layovers in LAX sitting on my ASS not included…

Or, from the comfort of your very own web browser you can check my international flight paths in real time:

1. Friday, August 10th – AC 799 to Los Angeles
2. Saturday, August 11th – NZ 001 to Auckland
3. Sunday, August 19th – NZ 002 to Los Angeles
4. Monday, August 20th – AC 794 to Toronto

Next post from the Southern Hemisphere! Or more likely LAX…