So last night’s New Year’s Eve show turned out to be a bit of train wreck. No matter; the suburbanites in our audience were only there because they couldn’t get a ticket to anything else. As a gift to my faithful web readers, here’s something I was going to pull out of my back pocket in case we needed to stretch. The yokels wouldn’t have gotten it, but I’m hoping you will!
THE CURRIE FAMILY HOLIDAY LETTER
Well, it's been quite a year for the Currie family. And what better way to tell you about it than this generic letter that we typed up on our word processor. Do you like the font? We thought it looked like someone's handwriting. Bet we had you fooled, ha ha ha. Sorry if it's a bit hard to read; the toner on our laser printer is running low and we're too lazy to get up off of our fat asses and buy a replacement, just like we're too lazy to pick up the phone and call you, or at least write you a personal greeting by hand. Sorry too if the writing is a bit pixilated; we don't really know how to use a computer. I guess on top of being lazy we're also morons. And cheap -- did I mention we're cheap? The reason why the printing runs off the page is because we didn't print multiple copies on our printer. We only printed one, then took it to Kinko's to make copies. But because we are morons we don't really know how to use a photocopier, and because we are cheap we didn't want to pay more to do it again the right way.
Anyway, it's great to be able to mass produce these holiday letters and stuff them into the free Holiday cards we got from the Canadian War Amps. What a bunch of suckers the War Amps are. They keep sending us all this stuff for free thinking that we'll send them a donation in return. Like that'll ever happen, because we're assholes, on top of being incredibly thoughtless and lazy, that is. So lazy in fact that all we really have to do for next year's letter is change the date at the top of this page. But because we are idiots we don't know how. Maybe you could come over and help us? Oh wait -- that would mean actual human contact, which is of course the whole point of this insulting generic holiday letter.
So, here's wishing you all the best for the coming year... Just keep your distance, okay?
Love, The Curries