How to Line Up

(Photo courtesy of Flickr user ”hugovk”…)

So I was all ready to write up a helpful guide to getting a tourist Visa for China, or perhaps ruminate a bit on the moral dilemma of crossing the Falun Gong picketers in front of the Chinese Consulate… Instead, while my blood is still boiling, I’m going to rant a bit on the subject of lining up. As a warning, some strong language may follow.

Let me begin by saying holy fuck are there ever a lot of utterly fucking clueless people on this Earth!!!

Ah, that’s better…

Now here’s the deal: Lining up, Queuing, whatever you want to call it, is actually pretty easy. All you really have to do is wait your turn, then when it is your turn, do what you need to do then get out of the way for everyone else. And yet, during my visit to the Consulate I saw firsthand that these simple concepts are clearly beyond the realm of comprehension for many people. For example:

• To the airhead Co-Ed going over to China to teach English, do you really think the poor guy at the counter wants to hear your incredibly uninteresting life story, and how exactly is your journey to self-discovery or however you want to label the fact that you’re fresh out of university and too chicken-shit to hunker down and get a real job in any way different from all the other people your age going to the Asia for exactly the same reasons and to do exactly the same thing as you?
• To the guy behind me with the old-man stink, just because your pores dried up after you went through man-o-pause doesn’t excuse you from some basic personal hygiene now and again, particularly if you’re going to be in the company of other human beings.
• To the woman who couldn’t take anything at face value, there’s a reason the lady behind the glass rolled her eyes when you asked her if this was the line to hand in your Tourist Visa application. Had you looked at the glass above her head you would have seen a rather large sign with the message: “Yes, this is where you hand in your Tourist Visa Application… You Asshat”. Here’s a handy tip: Instead of using your time in line on your cell phone telling the person on the other end how big the line up is, you can prepare ahead of time for the eventuality of handing in your documents at the window—that way you won’t have to empty the contents of your purse onto the counter to find everything when you get there, and the rest of us won’t have to pick up your spare change and keys for you.

Now before you start thinking that I’m entirely above the law, I freely acknowledge that I was guilty of my own line up indiscretion… To everyone behind me, I sincerely apologize for constantly turning around to look at the clock on the wall behind you. I have left my cell phone in the car, thinking it might be confiscated if I brought it in, as is the case down at the U.S. Consulate. I was probably also guilty of an inordinate share of sighing and groaning, partly because I had a dentist appointment to get to, but mostly because the majority of you in line with me were so fucking retarded.