Advice for those stupid “Holiday Letters”

Longtime readers of my previous blog will remember that I lampooned the whole concept of the holiday letter back in 2004. I mean, come on people… How narcissistic do you have to be to send out a holiday card stuffed a photocopied scrap of paper detailing all the wonderful things you’ve done over the past year? Isn’t the whole point of a card to wish someone well, and to let them know you’re thinking of them? Am I right? Can I get a “hell, yeah”?!

Thankfully only two guilty parties have affronted my inbox in this way, but they both run so afoul of Christmas spirit that I must, as a public service, pass on their transgressions to you…

Tip #1: Stay “On Message”

I got an email from someone I worked with this past year, whose bulk holiday greeting kicks off like this:

Merry Christmas! Hope you’ve got great plans for the holiday season. Here’s what happened to me in 2006…

… And continues on with stuff about himself for twenty-five paragraphs!

Even more insulting is that he liberally drops names of his friends into the story of his life — I suppose to encourage readers to comb through the dreck and see if they were worthy of a mention therein. Even if I had made the cut that wouldn’t have stopped me from forwarding the email and having a good laugh with the two talented actors this guy has made miserable. What an asshole.

Tip #2: Remember Your Audience

The second bulk greeting came in the form of a link to another generic communiqué, this one on a web page. I’m too much of a chicken-shit to provide a link, as someday she may Google her way to this very post.

If that’s the case and you’re reading this, here’s something you may not have thought of when you uploaded that thing: The only reason I know you is through your ex-husband, so if you send me to a page where you go on and on about what a bastard he is of course I’m going to forward it to him. And if you make me choose sides, well… I guess you lose.

And by the way, instead of bemoaning the fact that you’re single how about you take another look at the stuff you wrote about your ex? Maybe you’ll find some answers there.

And on that note, here’s wishing you a safe and happy holiday letter-free holiday, and all the best for 007!